Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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