yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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