happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
