Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize