ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
