1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
