Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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