Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
