who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
