Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
