I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
