The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
