You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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