I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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