She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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