ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
