tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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