Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
