I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
