Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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