it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
