best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
