never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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