u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
