Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
