Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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