There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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