there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
