sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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