You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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