I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
