My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
