You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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