All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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