I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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