she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
