you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
