I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
