I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
