She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
