i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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