amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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