We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
