I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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