Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
