ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
