You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize