five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
