I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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