I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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