did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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