I faked an abortion last night.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
