I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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