He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
