I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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