You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i will never coherently bang her
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
