We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
