You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
