Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
