you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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