Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
