i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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